"I'm going to pretend I don't know you."

At Momo's, the favorite spot for Giants' fans, before and after games, Lele and I stood trying to figure out what kind of a practical joke to play on his friend who was about to join us. At the last minute, just as Guillermo or Jacob or whatever-his-name-is walked in, I pulled away from Lele and said:

I'm going to pretend I don't know you.

I sat down on a barstool and started talking to the fat guy behind me who seemed a bit incredulous that I was speaking to him. So incredulous, in fact, that he stared at me like I was out of my mind and stopped talking mid-sentence. But I guess I wasn't even paying attention, because I don't recall what he was saying before he stopped. Anyway, that got really boring, really fast, so I turned around to face the bar again just as Jacob/Guillermo turned to look at me. He smiled. I smiled back.

He walked up towards me and said:
Are you here by yourself?

Me:
Yeah, I was at the game with my friends, and we were supposed to meet up here. (I turned around to look back at the entrance) But I guess I lost them. And my phone's dead.

Jacob/ Guillermo:
That sucks. So you can't even get in touch with them. Well, you could hang out with us.

Me:
(Shrug) Ok. So, were you guys at the game, too? Awful game, huh?

Jacob/Guillermo:
Yeah.... (uncertainly)

He bought me a drink and we proceeded to flirt; he honestly, me not so honestly... Meanwhile, I ignored Lele, who was being all manners of narcissistic. I threw a couple of dirty looks at him as if he was out his mind, raised my eyebrows, and basically put forth that I did not find him charming. Jacob/Guillermo started to ignore Lele, too, as he realized I was willing to talk to him.

I don't recall that we talked about much other than Lele. How he was a writer, too (this, when I told Jacob/Guillermo that I was a writer), and how he looked like a frat boy, and how maybe he'd done a line or two of coke earlier, because he was just a little too hyper.

Then, Jacob/Guillermo said:
Let's go somewhere else.

Me:
There's nothing around here.

Jacob/Guillermo:
I've got a car. Let's go to 111 Minna.

Me:
Yeah right. I don't even know you guys. I'm not getting into a car with you.

Lele:
(Jumping up and down) Lets go lets go lets go! (Pulls out his cell phone for the 17th time) Dude. That homo from the bathhouse keeps text-messaging me.

Me:
Why did you give him your number?

Lele:
I gave it to him before I realized he was a fag.

I stare at him. Then I turn to look at Jacob/Guillermo:
Are you guys gay? I mean, are you a couple?

Jacob/Guillermo:
No! I mean, I don't know about him, but I'm totally straight. Do you want me to kiss you to prove it?

I glance at Lele and say:
No. That won't be necessary.

Lele:
Come on! Lets go! (Turns around in circles).

So I get into the front seat of Jacob/Guillermo's two-door and we get on the road. We even find parking right in front of the bar, but Minna's closed. I suggest Harlot, which is just a block away, and, agreeing, Jacob/Guillermo takes my hand and starts walking. I turn around to look at Lele, who seems to be having a good ol' time, laughing, jumping up and down. But it's just a dead night, because even Harlot's empty.

Jacob/Guillermo:
I have to use the men's room.

After he leaves, Lele says:
Ok. We have to tell him now. As soon as he comes out. Because I have to go. I have a flight at 8:30 in the morning.

Me:
WHAT???

Lele:
(Jumping up and down) We have to tell him, we have to tell him.

Jacob/Guillermo:
Tell him what?

Lele:
Umm.. I have something to tell you. (Glances at me) We have something to tell you. (Pauses) We know each other.

Jacob/Guillermo:
WHAT???

He turns to look at me and I shrug sheepishly.

Jacob/Guillermo:
So this was all a joke? This whole time, you guys knew each other?

Me:
Umm... yeah. He's the friend I went to the baseball game with.

Jacob/Guillermo:
(Eyes ready to pop out, turns to Lele) She's the girl you were with earlier??? The one you were at the game with?

Me:
(Slyly) I thought you guys were at the game together.

So we laugh. He still can't believe he was punked. He offers to buy us more drinks for getting him like that, but once we get to the bar, he starts sulking.

Jacob/Guillermo:
Wow. I can't believe this. I though we had a connection, you and I. I really thought, wow, this is happening. She's cool.

Lele:
She is cool.

Jacob/Guillermo:
Yeah... but I guess you two are an item.

Me:
Umm... (I laugh. But it's more like a snicker.)

Lele:
Well, I have to go now. But you guys hang out. Have fun.

Now I'm incredulous, thinking You want me to hang out with this guy I don't even know, who's half interested in me and half pissed, while you jump on a train to go home? But I'm quiet.

We get into the car again. At the Caltrain station, Lele jumps out of the car, gives me a hug and runs to catch the train. I'm not so sure how I feel about being in the car alone with Jacob/Guillermo, but I give him my address and we get back on the road.

Jacob/Guillermo:
Wow. I still can't believe it. I thought you were into me. (Shakes his head.) How would you feel if you were in my place?

I think about it and say:
I guess I would be pissed.

That seems to be enough to give him permission to start getting pissed at me. I apologize profusely. I tell him he seems like a great guy and I had fun hanging out with him. But he's having none of that, he's just seething. I can almost see the smoke coming out of his ears and his nostrils and his eyes start getting all crazy and bloodshot and I think I need to get the hell out of this car.

He slams the door behind me and drives off. I pull out my phone and call Lele, who says:
Hey, I got on the train. I'm happy.

Me, upset, practically in tears, (and just a wee bit inebriated), I can't even begin to tell him so I just hang up.

But he calls back and I do tell him. I have several words for him, a mile a minute, while he says:
but, but, but...

And I say:
I don't know why I trusted you. I don't even know you.