"The Fire in My Loins"

From: clele75
Date: Mon Nov 26
Re: The fire in my loins

is all but extinguished. I’m a 75 year-old man with a large heart, and an even larger bank account.

I find you very attractive and want you to be my mistress. All you really have to do is bite me. Yes, that’s correct. I’m so old (been there done that) the only thing that gets me off (and that I can feel anymore) is when young hotties sink their teeth into my flesh.

As long as you don’t mind my wife (she sleeps most of the day) I think we have a win-win situation.

Your truly,

Geriatric and Jonesing


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From: LaPoette
Date: Mon Nov 26
Re: The fire in my loins

Being an extremely gorgeous woman in my twenties, I have received several similar proposals from men like you. One even had a Scrabble fetish. And liked to be molested in the middle of the street. Shrug. But you know, whatever gets you off. I am, after all, a very loving woman.

As you are well aware of, I am big on biting. My only concern is that men of your age tend to bruise very easily. And I suppose if I bite and you scream, and we wake up your narcoleptic wife, I would have to run really fast in my stilettos, and run the risk of (oh look, a pun) breaking an ankle or my jaw or dislocating my shoulder. Because of this, I think it is only fair that I be taken care of financially and be included on your will. (Your sleeping wife won’t need anything since she’ll probably sleep until she’s ready to die, and then probably die in her sleep). I also think that a car (a brand new hot pink Lexus will do) as a gift, would be very thoughtful of you. That way, it will be waiting for me on my way out. A private chauffeur would also make things smoother. For that, I will take a young, good-looking man, with hair on his head, and a thick wallet in his back pocket. Another thick… uh… wallet in the front pocket should be part of your selection criteria. In fact, I could make things easier by selecting him myself, if you’d like.

Do you have a big bed? I like big four poster beds. And do you know your cuff size? This will be part of my gift to you. It’s a surprise.

Also, how fast do you run? (uh… you know, just in case… it’s good to know how much energy my man has.)

Only yours,

Chrystale Diamante


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From: clele75
Date: Tue Nov 27
Re: The fire in my loins

Look I’ve had a completely unfilling life. If you do half of the things mentioned in your naughty little Email, I’ll knock off my wife so you don’t have to.

Cuff size? Hell, I want you to strap one on. Damn it! Why not just fasten my ol’ Lousiville slugger around your waist and have a homerun derby on my ass.

That’s right my azure-coiffed siren. I still got a lot of howl left in this bark. Bite off a piece of my sagging man boob if you have to. As long as you keep it fresh, you can have two flamingo pink Bentleys and the man toys to go along with it. But you must promise me you’ll let me watch when you use the Lousiville slugger on these unsuspecting hunks. (Gotta to relive them Army days.)

And one more thing—I’ve always wanted to be molested while playing Scrabble. I say we do it right in the middle of the fucking road.

Mercy, I already feel two decades younger. Now I just got to find that bat.

-Your Roaring Lothario

(but you can call me Grampkins!)


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From: LaPoette
Date: Mon Nov 28
Re: The fire in my loins

Dearest,

Well… now I’m not so sure. I like my men servile. In your previous e-mail, you sounded like the sweet gentleman who would gladly do as I asked, whatever I asked, if only I nibbled a little here and there, bit your lip hard, your neck, drew blood maybe a couple of nights… the submissive man who would open up his heart (and his checkbook), shower me with diamonds, and please my every whimsy, my every caprice. The kind of man they call “whipped”- but without the leather.

Here, you sound like a demanding tyrant. The kind of man who deserves to be whipped- with leather. Chained up to posts and slapped a few times, have his Louisville piece ground into him until he cries out for his mama. I already got me one of those.

I am, however, a respectful woman, with honor and will not agree to anything until a bank account is opened up in my name with a couple hundred grand deposited. I also think that before we begin this venture, we should have an agreement that you will not come anywhere near my property (which you will buy for me) on nights that I am not with you, i.e. you will stay away from my “man toys”. I will gladly film our… liaisons… for you to enjoy while you lie in your bed next to your ever-sleeping wife. (Have you checked her breathing lately? Is she alive?)

I look forward to hearing from you- and before that, I look forward to the little package that will arrive on my doorstep tomorrow morning from Tiffany’s, holding a beautiful watch- so that I may be on time to keep our appointments. I like this one: Watch

Until then.

Yours, C.D.